"10 Reasons Why Your Blog Sucks"

"Tex," people occasionally tell me, "I know I'm supposed to blog, but I'm scared to try.  How do you do it?"

Well, here is a sordid confession: I don't actually know what I'm doing.  At all.  Or DIDN'T - until this weekend, when I sat down and read about eighteen dozen "blogging for clueless goobers" articles.  Now I am an expert!  My blog will be eighteen times better going forward - and yours can be too!  Here is what you need to do:


1.  Your post title needs to be keyword-rich for the Google, but witty and provocative enough to attract live human eyeballs and their coveted clicks.  (See what I did up there?)

2.  Your post should have - I won't say the T-word here - a single, clear main idea.  No aimless rambling!

3.  You've got to have a picture, of course.  Who's going to have the attention span to get through your relentless odyssey of text without a pictorial rest-stop along the way?  (And no stealing from Google Image Search, you mannerless Visigoth!)

Here are some poorly-photographed nachos we once ate in Stirling, Scotland. 
Note the strangely reasonable portion sizes and extra-elegant double plate.

4.  On a similar note, make sure you bold the especially interesting bits, so people who aren't really reading can follow along.  You know that game you played when you were a kid, where the living room floor was hot lava, and the throw pillows were stepping stones?  This is that, but for your reader's fickle gaze.

5.  You'll have the decency to update at least twice a week, of course, because otherwise you're just wasting your time. 

6.  You'll promote each post at least twice on three different social media accounts, because see above.  (But don't be obvious or obnoxious about this.  You can't be all Cat in the Hat with your "look at me, look at me, look at me now!"  You have to balance the cake and the boat and the fish and the ball with more of an "I don't know if you know this, but I'm actually kind of a big deal" disinterested swagger.)

7.  Time your post wisely.  Have your local haruspex perform the appropriate reading of entrails to find the most auspicious day and time.  We recommend chicken for Blogger, and the liver of a young male sheep for Wordpress.

8.  And for heaven's sake, keep it snappy, Tolstoy!  Yeah, you can have posts longer than 500 words - if your audience are convicted felons doing time in solitary.

The nachos were accompanied by the obligatory bilingual moisti-nap.
Because finger foods, like menstruation, are marks of Original Sin,
and best endured with dignity, resilience, and a robust array of sanitary products.

9.  Oh, and tagging!  Tag RELENTLESSLY.  Tag like Banksy on a bath-salts bender.  Just take 75% of the nouns in your post and reproduce them as tags, so that the invisible SEO spiders of the Internet can bring you even more coveted clicks.  Basically, if your tag list doesn't look like the Finnegans Wake episode of "Will it Blend?", you're doing it wrong.

10.  And whatever you do, don't forget to ask a question at the end of your post!  It doesn't matter how forced or awkward it is, as long as it's there.  Because how else will your readers know that they're allowed to leave comments?  God, why does it always have to be about YOU?!

So there you have it, people: everything you need to know about blogging.  Fame and fortune will soon be yours!  What about you?  Do you like fame and fortune?


I mean, we’re already talkin’ 27 hits, here. And that’s from this computer alone!