Of Lions and Dragons and Raunchy Grammarians

My weekend. Let me show it to you.

See, as I've blogged before, I belong to a family who kicks ass.  And busts bricks.  And has probably spent more time in sweaty, spangly lion-pants than I've spent in all my non-couch-based activities combined.

Some of the aforementioned lions.
(My sister's not allowed to be the back half anymore, cuz she's married now.)EDIT: My sister has an open relationship with the front halves,
and she is comfortable with that. 

Anyway, so this past weekend was the annual Lunar New Year celebration, which is basically what you would get if a medieval feast, a Shanghai street party, and Kung Fu Hustle had a three-hour throwdown in front of 400 people.  With more slammin' beats and less property damage.

Well, slightly less property damage.

And it's just so damn cool, y'all.  Schools from as far away as Florida and Colorado come to show off their hard work, and there's fabulous novelties every year.  This time, we had top-hatted tai chi (way to put on the ritz, Mom!), ninja turtles, improv-weapons dueling, and - wait for it - a country western steampunk martial arts bar brawl.  Be still, my throbbing loins.

And be less shitty, my pathetic phone camera.

And it's just so great, because like... you know, if the DFW Writers Workshop are my second family, these guys are my second in-laws - and it is so fantastic to see another kind of community, another kind of artistry, another kind hard work paying off in sweat and splendor. So basically, if you didn't get to see it in person, go check out Laurel Houston's photo album right this picosecond - she is a phenomenal photographer (and a barefoot ninja herself!)

And speaking of which, there on the left is one of my actual in-laws:
the sweatiest and most splendid of them all.

Anyway, there was food, fun, and forms long into the night - and the next morning, I had the singular pleasure of getting up to go see some of my very favorite people, the North Texas Romance Writers of America.  It was only my second visit, but I tell you what: I'm gonna have to stop going soon, cuz every time I do, I enjoy it all the more - and it's already so good that I can't hardly stand it.

Like, it doesn't surprise me that they collaborate and support each other, because hey - we're writers; we're supposed to do that.  But I am just amazed at how organized they are as they go about it!  Everybody who has a book published gets a giant pencil.  The people who write and/or edit the most pages in a month get their names read out.  There's a segment for people to announce news, and not just writing-related news, but baby-gets-to-go-home-from-the-hospital news.  There are events and get-togethers and contests to see how much you know about other members.

And at the risk of divulging the Secrets of the Order, there is a tiara.
AN HONEST-TO-GOD TIARA.

And the more I think about it, the more essential that seems.  Sure, there's the fun external stuff - candies and pencils and sparkly jewelry and all - but underneath that is a systematic way of including, recognizing, and caring about people.  Which seems massively important in a way I hadn't thought about before, because, like... y'know, we're so trained to respond to every "how are you doing?" with a "pretty good, and you?"  Sometimes it's just terribly hard to feel like you have permission to talk about yourself in any significant way.  So the more deliberate, explicit systems and places and rituals we have for doing that, the more genuine connections I think we can make - and I must be slow on the uptake, because from everything I've seen, NTRWA figured that out a long time ago.

Anyway, one of their rituals involves a presentation from a guest speaker - and on Saturday, that was me!  The NTRWA members and a few super-dedicated members of my traveling fan-posse came out to see the world-premiere presentation of The Comma Sutra.

I knew I was in good hands when the title screen went up and one member
immediately gasped, "that would make SUCH a great book cover!"

Here to help make sense of the joke is the class description:

Does your writing lack a certain...variety? Does your manuscript suffer from premature exclamations, heavy or abnormally frequent periods, or have difficulty maintaining even a semi-colon? Don't suffer in silence! You too can enjoy the satisfaction and self-confidence that comes with knowing how to please your critique partner. In this class, we'll practice the ins and outs of good punctuation (and yes, it WILL be raunchy.) Join us, won't you, as we embark on a journey of true textual healing.

And like, seriously y'all.  This class should have come with a diploma, a tattoo, and an apology.  The things these brave men and women endured in the name of honing their writing craft... well, let's just say that analogies were made which can never be un-made, and noble grammatical precepts harnessed to truly sordid imagery.

In fairness, some of the jokes pretty much wrote themselves.

Needless to say, I was super nervous about presenting this (because it's just so hard to know how dirty is too dirty, and how much bad xeno-erotica is too much bad xeno-erotica.)  But we had great questions and discussions, and I for one had an amazing time.

"Well then," you might say, "that's the lions and raunchy grammarians, but where are the dragons?"

So glad you asked: they are right over here, at the Kingdoms of Evil podcast!  Dieselpunk dragons, build-a-bear dragons, cake dragons - dragons for everyone!  This is the second part of the conversation I had with my notorious Red Sofa compadres, 'Evil' Dan Bensen and 'Rogue' Dan Koboldt (the first part is here, in all its seagull-stunning glory).

And here is a nice blacklight dragon to round out the set.

I've done the Evil podcast a couple of times now, and it's just such a thrill - because y'know, usually when you have a good chat with somebody, it's only between the two of you.  You can rave and gush about your super-cool friend all day long, but nobody except your mutual acquaintances are really going to get it.  Here, though, is permanent, audible proof that I am a fun person who hangs out with fun people, and evidence to help the rest of y'all understand that these guys are exactly as awesome as I've been telling you.  (I even made Evil Dan help me write exo-erotic example sentences for the Comma Sutra presentation.  Now THAT'S friendship in action.)

Anyway, so if there were going to be a single unifying thesis statement for all three of these marvelous weekend-things, it would probably be this: one of the coolest things about getting older is getting to participate in new social spheres - not just the ones you move between on a daily/weekly basis, but also the ones that reach out and include you every now and again, for special occasions.  It's a great reminder that the world is full of wonderful people, even when you don't see them on the regular, and that there are more places for you than you can ever fill at one time.  That is a pretty damn happy feeling.


The precise function of the melted chocolate remains elusive.

C is for Commas n' Shit

I have a real problem, you guys.  My social circle has now expanded to the point that I live in constant, immediate danger of losing track of all the awesome stuff my posse is doing.  I am beginning to fear that there are more kickass people in the world than I can handle knowing.

HOWEVER.

I would be hugely remiss not to notice or showcase the awesome A-to-Z NaNo series that my agency, Red Sofa Literary, is putting on this month.  Here is one post that sticks out at me in particular:  C is for Copyedit.

It's written by the newest member of Team Sofa, Laura Zats (whose Twitter feed is kind of like a Bridget Jones' Diary take on Trainspotting - highly recommended!)

This is her auspicious opening:

There are entire books written about why your book was rejected by an agent or editor, just as there are entire books about how to ensure that they don’t reject you. 

But I didn’t write any of those, so I’m going to tell you one of the main reasons why I reject books: the grammar sucks.

Not news, right?  There aren't too many dream jobs that will accommodate the do-what-feels-good school of spelling and punctuation, and Future Novelist is an especially unforgiving position.  Here's the part that got me thinking, though:

But the above things I mentioned are conventions. They should have been drilled into you in 18+ years of school. NOT using these things says just one thing to me: you don’t quite care enough about your future colleagues’ time to do the work right the first time.

This is also not news, but here's what I'm wondering about: what do you do if you missed the boat?  Like, what if your school sucked?  Or you didn't go to school?  Or you did, but you only learned English three years ago - or you did, but that was thirty years ago and your career as an Arctic deep-sea fisherman hasn't kept you fresh on the finer points of prepositional phrases?  Basically, what is your recourse if you don't already know how to write good conventional English?

When I first ventured out of my cave two years ago, I assumed that every writer's story was like mine.  "What," I said incredulously, "like, didn't you guys just read a million billion books and osmotically engulf the entire standard-English ruleset?"

As it turns out, the answer is often "no"!  

And you can still get yourself back up on this wagon, of course.  Obviously we don't lose our capacity for learning the second they plop mortarboards on our heads and bid us a fond "don't let the door hit you."

But here's the thing.  Writing overwhelmingly requires a real, live human being - traditionally in the form of an English teacher - to read your stuff, correct it, hand it back, and make you do it again.  Indeed, the essay is the ONLY part of the SAT (and pretty much any other standardized US exam) that isn't machine-scored, cuz it truly does require the judgment of a fellow carbon-based life-form to evaluate its merit.  And while I know that we have these things called 'critique partners' and 'beta readers' for a reason, I am perpetually surprised and dismayed by the number of writers I meet who think they can't learn this stuff - who feel that they are hopelessly ignorant, and expect that they will always have to pay freelance editors to clean up everything they ever produce, because they are not one of the Beautiful People Who Already Know This Shit.

I would absolutely love to blow that myth to pieces, and use said pieces to fertilize the budding self-esteem of aspiring writers everywhere.  But while I'm okay with not speaking from experience, I don't want to be speaking from my hindparts either.

So this is my long, roundabout way of asking all you guys:  for those of you who didn't acquire this knowledge in your larval stage, how did you master English grammar as an adult? 


In this sentence, your victory against the bear does not need to be connected to the plague rat, so a period is used.

What Are GrammatiCats?

What are GrammatiCats?

You know, sites like LOLcats and I Can Has Cheezburger are hilarious.

But let's be honest: do you really want your cat to grow up with these sites as their literary models?  Can we afford to have a nation of cats who are ignorant of the mechanics of proper English?

Of course not.  Every responsible cat owner cares about his or her pet's grasp of language.  The problem is that we ourselves aren't always sure how to explain the difference between 'who' and 'whom', or when to use 'that' instead of 'which'.  We usually operate on what "sounds right" - and that's no way to open your cat's mind to the true beauty of the English language.

Enter the GrammatiCats.  These helpful feline friends are here to present common grammar issues and their correct resolutions in a familiar format that you and your pet can enjoy together.   Read, learn, and share with your friends!

What's the deal with the pinkie ratings?

Rightly or wrongly, drinking tea with the little finger extended has become a synonym for grace and etiquette.  Each GrammatiCat lesson is rated accordingly.






1:  Mastery of this concept is essential for anything more formal than a YouTube comment.





2:  Mastery of this concept is widely expected.  You may be smugly corrected by random Internetizens if you mess this up - especially if you're arguing with them.





3:  This concept is essential for any formal occasion: if what you're writing is designed to get you hired, admitted, paid, laid, or published, make sure you have this correct.





4:  Apart from English majors and other literary pros, relatively few people know about this concept.





5:  Only the most bitter of arch-grammarian crows will even notice, much less care, whether you get this right.

Do you take suggestions for post topics?

Absolutely!  Please feel free to leave a comment or send it in by email.  Be sure to include your favorite URL (blog, Twitter, etc.) if you'd like me to link to you!

Can my cat participate?

Absolutely!  If your cat would like to join the ranks of featured GrammatiCats, please e-mail tex at thetexfiles.com with your photos.  Just make sure that:

--each photo is at least 100k (the bigger, the better!)
--you include your cat's name, your name or screen-name, and a link to your blog or website (optional but encouraged!)

Please note: by sending me your photos, you're granting me the unconditional right to edit them, and to use the edited version(s) (with proper attribution, but no compensation) for this site and any derivative works, including but not limited to printed material and online distribution. Sending your photos doesn't guarantee that they will be used here.  You retain all rights to the original photos.

An Impending Burst of Gramma' Radiation

As some of you guys already know, I have the singular honor of presenting a class at this year's DFW Writer's Conference.  It's called "No Mustard on Your Shirt: Spill-Proofing Your Grammar and Style."

Here's the description:

It's a truth every interviewee knows:  there's nothing more tragic than missing out on your dream job because the interviewer can't see past the stain on your collar.  In this class, we'll tackle the grammar and style mistakes that even experienced writers make, and highlight winning strategies for scrubbing them out of your manuscript.  Don't give your reader even one easy reason to toss your work aside: come learn how to put the "pro" in your prose!

(And now a brief pause for pimping: the conference is going to be PHENOMENAL.  I am so pumped about the class line-up this year, and they've got enough agents and editors to choke a horse.  Get it on this quick if you want to go: regular registration ends on Thursday!)

Anyway, in anticipation of the conference, and in tandem with this year's Blogging from A to Z Challenge, I'm doing something I'll probably regret.  Each day in the month of April (Sundays excluded), I'm going to write about a different grammar issue and post it here.

"Tex, you mad fool!" you may exclaim.  "You'll never make it!"

Possibly not.  But I'm going to try!

"Well, good luck, I guess," you might concede.  "But all that wittering on about commas and prepositions - isn't it going to be ruinously boring?"

I'll let you be the judge of that...

Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?